What to Write

Trying to decide what to write about is probably the most difficult part of having a blog.  There are all kinds of things I would consider, but putting my thoughts in black and white(OK purple and green) for others to read causes my internal editor to truly kick in.  I have this problem--I'm a people pleaser.  I've been one for as long as I've existed on this planet.  I do not remember ever not wanting to please people.  I know some people find this extremely difficult to understand, but I am of that strange breed of human that likes to be liked.  I will truly work at deciding the only one I have to please is God; and I'll try so hard to believe that and live it, but then I slip and I'm back to being a pleaser--again.  To write ones thoughts and publish them in any form for others to read and critique that's really stretching a comfort zone.  It's making me practice what I preach--I am a child of God and He loves me just the way I am and He's the only one I truly need to please; and the only thing I have to do to please Him is to love Him and give Him praise.  So why is this so hard?  

It's hard because I lose my focus.  When I am actively loving God and giving Him praise; spending time with Him in His word and prayer, He's all that really matters.  The ironic thing is that when I am focused on Him I find there are things I want to share with others--they just start pouring out.  I am who I really desire to be when I'm focused on Jesus.  It's when I start getting focused on peoples reactions to me that I start to flounder.  You see I end up focused on me and the more I look at myself,  the more time I spend on thinking that no one wants to hear anything I have to say.  What if I say something that makes them angry?  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Nobody wants to read anything I say anyway.  Why am I doing this?  

Then I stop and I remember why I'm doing this.  I felt God wanted me to write.  (He's also used our kids to tell me so.)  He has blessed me with an incredible story of love and as I write on my blog I'm learning how to share my life filtered through His hands.  I give the words to Him to put together His way and then I write.  What comes out are the words He's giving me today.  His word, His story, put together His way.  I have nothing and no one to fear.  

Special Times

I haven't posted for over a week.  We were on a very busy "vacation".  This time of year everyone is faced with school related activity.  We're definitely in the "grandparent" stage of life which is much busier than anyone ever told me.  Our grandson JD graduated from high school a week ago last Saturday.  He also received his AA degree at the same time.  We are quite proud of him and all his accomplishments.

Then this past Thursday, June 14, our son Chris retired from the United States Air Force after 23 years of service, with great praise from his superiors.  It was quite astounding to hear the speaker of the event listing our sons many accomplishments, one of which is humility.  After all we heard we realized how humble our son truly is and we are very proud of him.  

On the way to our "special event" with Chris, we were given the news that the grandmother of two of our sons-in-laws (yes, two of our daughters married cousins) had gone home to be with the Lord.  She was a treasured friend of ours as well.  She liked to listen to me play the piano, so I volunteered to play for her service.  I so enjoyed being able to play for her service; and visit with family and old friends. 

We were unable to stay through Sunday, as we needed to get home so that I could play for our Sunday Morning Worship.  Larry wasn't preaching, but I had decided to play the digital piano as I usually do.  A wonderful couple in our church were celebrating 65 years of marriage, and had family visiting that morning and wanted us to celebrate with them.  

During all the commotion, sadness, happiness, laughter and tears, we also celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary.  Our son had entered the Air Force on our 20th wedding anniversary.  He said he wanted to "share" the anniversary date.  The 43rd anniversary was much better celebrated than the 20th.  I still remember sitting in the airport, waiting for him to board the plane to San Antonio, Texas and boot camp.  It was difficult to hide my tears.  Coincidentally, he and his wife celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary earlier this year--the year of his retirement.

Life was definitely busy, emotional, and with a "touch" of stress, but Larry and I are feeling quite blessed.  During all the busyness we were surrounded by our wonderful family.  My sister and brother-in-law were able to join us for JD's weekend.  We had all of our kids, spouses, and grands, around us; including our newly adopted granddaughter and two (Lord willing) soon to be adopted granddaughter and grandson. (Our son and daughter-in-law are growing their family through adoption.)  God has blessed us "abundantly, beyond anything we could ask or imagine." 

 An earlier picture of the grands minus the two youngest.

 No great statements.  No trials or tribulations that have taught me lessons.  Just a busy slice of our life I wanted to share with all of you.  

Honesty... honestly?

The reason I'm writing this blog is to work out my responses to those things that I encounter everyday.  But one of the questions I ask myself when writing my blog is--how real will I be on Simplyme?  Do I only write about the easy things, the struggles that work out for my good, my weaknesses that don't reveal too much of who I really am?  Or do I write what my name suggests--Simplyme?

I've been struggling with this all morning.  Do I really let you in, be vulnerable enough to show you the real me?  Well, here goes--honesty.

The honest truth is, today I want to hide from the world and not let anyone see me.  The truth is I want to eat everything in sight.  The truth is I want to curl up in a ball and not move at all.  The truth is I'm in pain.  These are all of my usual responses to extreme pain.  The reason I'm sharing is that I decided when I started this journey with you that I would handle my pain, fears, and joys differently.  Instead of hiding and eating everything in sight--I'm writing.  Laying all this before you and realizing that old ways of handling this part of my life are not the best ways.  

I really did not want to go to the church this morning at 7:30 AM for TaiChi class.  I didn't want to see the other women that would be there, BUT I did it!  That was really a big thing for me.  I actually enjoyed being with the women and for a little while put aside the pain.  

I came home and after lunch of one of my protein shakes (which I love), Larry massaged my arm that was really aching; an area on my good arm that is in a lot of pain.  It hasn't hurt until lately and I'm really wanting to have a pity party and complain to the Lord.  Why my good arm?  Why? Why?  But that would not accomplish anything good for me. And to be perfectly honest that route has not helped in the past.  I know the Lord wants to hear all of our struggles and talking to Him about those struggles does help.  But complaining only makes me more miserable.  

So, I'm writing.  And you know, as I'm laying this out before you, I'm realizing that my arm does still hurt, but I don't feel so alone.  I don't feel so helpless.  Do you suppose this is why Jesus told us to bear each others burdens?  He knew if we would be willing to share our weaknesses with each other, those weaknesses would bring about strength?  

The pain is not gone.  I can't even say that it's better.  BUT my attitude about my pain is better.  There is no longer a big black cloud of doom and gloom over my head.  I am not ready to eat everything in sight.  I am able to accept my feelings as where I'm at today.  Arthritis and Fibromyalgia have days of pain.  I've had some really good days lately, so today isn't good and I'll take care of me.  I have lots to read.  I can still have a very positive day, because I've been able to be HONEST with you.   

What a week!

The last time I posted I talked about procrastination.  I wanted to at least write a quick post to let you all know that I am not procrastinating my blog.  It would seem that ever since I wrote last, life has picked up speed and time has flown!  I am a little dizzy from the speed, but holding it together!  LOL  I have spent very little time on my computer.  BUT, don't ask me what I've been doing, 'cause I  wouldn't be able to put it all together in a way that made any sense to you--other than you wondering what was so busy about that!  Do you follow?  Have you had a day where someone asks you what you did all day and you KNOW that your day was profitable, meaningful, busier than ever; but when you stop to give an account of what you did--you can't think of one thing that really took all that much time?  Please tell me I'm not the only one!  I've had over a week of those days and I am very, very tired.  It's difficult to put one foot in front of the other, but can I go to sleep--if I could, would I be sitting here after midnight writing?  

Every thing that has occurred has been wonderful.  No tragedies, no spectacular events, just the everyday busyness that effects all of our lives from time to time.  This time though, I've given up computer time to keep up with my quiet time with Jesus.  Normally, and I can't believe I'm admitting this in public, one of the first things to get cut back is my prayer and study time.  Yes, I'm a preachers wife, but I'm also human and deal with a lot of the same struggles that everyone else does.  When schedules get tight--cut what you can and move on.  I've finally realized that cutting my time with Jesus makes everything take even longer to accomplish and I don't get anything done satisfactorily.  I know, I've heard this all my life--BUT it's true.  Every time I've tried to cut my time with Him short--I pay in the long run.  Life just moves along better with Him.  It doesn't slow down.  It doesn't mean life gets easier; it's just better.  When I put Him first I go through my day feeling like I'm accomplishing much more than when I don't.  I guess what really matters is not proving to you I've had a busy week, but allowing Him to put that busy week in order.  

I hope this makes sense to you.  If you have any questions, let me know.  And REMEMBER--it's 12:16 AM and I'm really, really tired.

I Did It!

Well, for those of you who are waiting to hear what happened with my desk--I did it!!  It is so clean and so organized it's unbelievable.  I totally cleaned off the desk and area around it.  I put everything on our dining room table.  I couldn't believe what I had stashed in such a small area.  As I was piling it up on the table, I began to realize another reason I had procrastinated.  I had to make decisions.  Not just one decision, or two, but numerous decisions, and you know what?  I do not like to make decisions.  It's always, "what do you think?"  or "what do you want to do".  These were not life or death decisions.  Just decisions about where to put this or that so that I could find it again.  Is it valuable enough to take up any space on my desk or surrounding area?  What do I need to do with this item so that I can find it again when I need it?  All of these questions implied that I needed to be somewhat organized.  

When I worked as an "Administrative Assistant" temporary employee (referred to as "temp" from now on), I was super organized.  Larry would pick me up after work at some of the places and while he waited for me would be told over and over what a great job I did and how organized I was.  He would look at me and shake his head.  He could never understand how I could be SO organized in an office and so UNorganized at home.  At the offices where I "temped" I knew where everything was supposed to be--it was pointed out to me at the beginning of the job.  BUT when I got home I had to decide where to put things and thus, my dilemma. 

But, I did it.  My desk looks amazing!  Everything is cleaned and polished and organized!  I can find things because I actually labelled folders where I had placed important information.  I was able to find things I thought I had lost!  It took me three days, but it's done.  There is no longer anything from my desk or surrounding area on my table.  I feel so efficient!  Maybe now I'll be able to tackle other areas that I've avoided.  But for now--I Did It!

Thanks for the feedback.  I appreciate your comments and I'm actually enjoying being accountable to you.  AND it's been less than a week since the last blog entry.  Not much less, but an improvement.  

Old Habits Die Hard

I haven't forgotten how to do this, I have simply been procrastinating.  For a long time I have realized that I am a major procrastinator.  When I have a project I'll think about it for a while and if I think there is any risk involved I tend to put it off.  I have a great fear of failure.  I fear what people will think of me.  I started blogging because it was time to face my fears and for a while I did pretty good.  But then I found out that people are actually reading what I'm writing and fear raises it's ugly head again.  So I procrastinate.  If I don't write anything I don't have to be afraid that someone won't like what I wrote.  I know, if you aren't a procrastinator you don't understand.  

When I did children's musicals for various churches Larry has ministered to--I loved putting the music together, painting the sets, but I usually left it until it HAD to be done.  Then I could do whatever the project was because  I always had the excuse that I didn't have time to do it really well.  So if people didn't like it, it didn't reflect on me, it was because I didn't have time to do a really good job.  I know, as I write that sentence it doesn't even make sense, but at the time fear was controlling me--definitely NOT logic.  

Now I am realizing procrastination has to be eliminated.  It's definitely NOT a way to honor God.  These are things I'm doing to bring Him glory and I am not to be worrying what people will think.  What God thinks is the real question.  I want to honor Him in all that I do.  To do that I can't put the task off until the last minute and fake my way through it.  That's something I've had to confess to Him, repent of it, and know that I can't do that any more with a clear conscience.  

It's a tough habit to give up.  And that's just it, I've done it so long it has become a habit.  But it's a habit that needs to be broken once and for all.  I have been avoiding cleaning up my desk.  I've sorted through a lot of clutter and been working on other areas, but I keep looking at my desk and groaning.  If I avoid sitting here, then I can put off cleaning it up.  But if I avoid sitting here I can't get my blog written, my photos sorted, my photo book on Snapfish completed.  So, no more!  Lord willing, after music practice tomorrow morning--which is scheduled for 10 AM, I will come home and clean up my desk.  I am now accountable to everyone that reads my blog.  My blog, which I will write in at least once a week, will let you know how well I'm doing at keeping my word.  (Man the pressure is on now!)

Close calls

I am tired this evening.  It's been a busy week.  It's been a week of ups and downs and a lot of thankfulness.  Tuesday morning at 6:00 I was heading into Clarkston to the Aquatic center to exercise as I do every Tuesday and almost every Friday morning.  Larry had left his truck parked down by the Church Sunday.  I was dropping him off so he could bring the truck home.  I backed up from our truck so that I could swing around him and continue on my journey.  He looked at me and at first I thought he was just waving, but then I saw fear in his eyes.  I thought he was afraid I was going to back into the truck behind and laughed and shook my head that no I wasn't going to hit the truck.  I'd checked for traffic and as I was starting to pull into  the highway he really looked upset.  I tried to put the car in reverse and back it up since he looked upset, but as usual when I get nervous I had trouble reacting quickly enough.  Just about that time a really big semi truck flew by my car.  It couldn't have been more than 3 inches between the front of my car and the bumper of that truck.  Apparently when I had looked for traffic coming up behind me the truck had been in my blind spot.  I had come very close to being hit by a semi moving about 50 miles an hour (Juliaetta town limits--supposed to be 35).  This really shook me up!  I was so thankful to be alright.  I say alright--I was shaking and sick to my stomach, but I was in one piece and very, very thankful.  God in His mercy allowed me another day.  I have been very thankful all week.  It's amazing what something like that can do to help a person have a change of heart and adopt a very thankful attitude in all things.  

We had a trip to Spokane to see the specialist I've been seeing at Spokane Rheumatology and I was told I needed to be very proud of myself.  I'd lost 9 more pounds since I had seen him last and my pain is being better controlled.  I'm having more good days than bad.  And I am VERY grateful.  God again is working in my life on my behalf.  It's been a long time since I've been able to have any control over pain and years since I've been able to lose more than a few pounds and turn around and put them back on.  My metabolism has been a mess.  A little side blessing to the trip is getting to see our three daughters on our way home.  

The rest of this week I've been going over and over my blessings.  Why have I been having such positive experiences?  Not every week is as eventful as this one has been, but every week IS full of opportunities to give God praise.  We don't always see the way He is working and protecting us during our every day lives.  I was given a glimpse this week of how  close I came to going home to be with Him.  Not everyone is rescued from the close call.  I have been having positive results in my health care.  Why God chooses to give me positive results or rescue some of us and take others home is beyond my comprehending.  All I do know for sure is that God is in control--whatever may come.  I'm so thankful that irregardless how our days and weeks go, He knows just what we need. 

What do I do now?

I find that when I'm not sure what to say I avoid saying anything.  Usually this is a good thing, but when you're referring to a blog that you would really like people to keep checking for new material--not so good!  

Life has been busy and I'm still trying to figure this blog thing out.  I am amazed at how easily our 7 year old granddaughter can whip around the internet and try this or that.  And here I am.  Avoiding writing in a blog that I thoroughly enjoy because I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing.  Maybe I'll hit the wrong button.  A friend of mine through Facebook has a blog.  It's so cool!  She has all these things you can go to and click on.  Categories and more information if you click on another tab.  I have what I've written.  I did get brave and post a picture of my wonderful husband.  But I've decided my blog is kind of boring.  I'm trying to understand all these blog terms and buttons on this main page where I do the writing, but I usually do this around midnight and the brain is not always thinking clearly.  I am definitely going to have to study these things earlier in the day, with an internet dictionary on another screen.  I've decided it's definitely tougher for a 60 year old woman to figure all this out than someone in the 25-40 group.  BUT I am not giving up.  I came very close, but I refuse to quit.  I enjoy this.  I think I would even enjoy it more if I totally understood what I can do with this.  So for now we have the ramblings of a "young" senior citizen.  Maybe I'll have to have my 7 year old granddaughter come give me a hand. 

Any and all suggestions are most appreciated.  I've heard over and over that it's good to continue to learn new things as we get older.  Keeps our minds active and encouraged to learn.  I definitely have learned through other endeavors that this is true.  Older people who refuse to continue to learn new things become just that--old.  I keep telling friends that I act younger now than I did when I was in my teens.  It's true.  Now, what's this button do?????

Breakfast and Beauty

Today was a special day.  I had asked our youngest daughter to share makeup tricks and hints she learned while she was a run-way model.  She was nervous about it, but somehow in the way God works--she had been asking to be used and stretched by God.  She knew this was something she needed to do.  I am 5'5"(if I stretch) and pudgy.  They had to stretch my left leg 3/4 of an inch to make my hip replacement fit tight.  I already had a 1/2 inch lift on my right leg--so with another 3/4 of an inch, my right leg is now 1 1/4" shorter than my left.  If I wear my lift on my right foot so that I'm standing up straight--I'm 5'5" tall.  If I stand flat on my right foot without my lift, with my left knee bent to accommodate my right leg--I'm 5'4" tall.  All this just to state again--I'm 5'5" (if I stretch) tall and pudgy.  Our youngest daughter on the other hand, is 6'1" tall without shoes and very svelte.  With her 3" shoes today, I looked really short.  I definitely had to look up to her.  She's a beautiful young woman who not only has outward beauty, but has an inward beauty that only enhances the outer.  I was really hoping we would have quite a few young women to hear her story, but it wasn't turning out that way.  I had prayed a lot for today's special breakfast.  I have been reading a lot of scripture lately about trusting God and praying expecting answers.  Having faith in Him, that He will do, when it is within His will.  When I was younger I had no difficulty being pretty specific with my prayers and thanking God when I knew I was seeing a specific request being answered.  But somehow as I've gotten older I've found it more difficult to pray expectantly.  I tell myself that I have just as much faith, I'm just more realistic-- Until this week.  I was praying again about our morning event and reading in the scriptures where God loves us and He will give us our hearts desire when we delight in Him.  I know that when we ask for Him to do something that we KNOW is in His will--He will do it.  I knew this special time was something He wanted us to do.  So I asked for at least 20 people to attend and hear the words Carrie was going to share with us.  We had 23.  All of this to say, next time I'm asking for a larger number.  Not so we can say we had X number attend, but to remember--God is bigger than my expectations.  He has so much more to share with us than what we limit Him to.  My purpose is to give honor and glory to God, to share His love and the peace that passes all understanding.  Today, watching our youngest share her story of struggles, acceptance, growth and peace, creating her inner beauty--I give God praise.  He has done remarkably more than I could ask or think.

Is it Fun Yet?

I'm resting inside now and Larry's working on the fountain.

OK!  I am excited!  Today has been a really good day.  I have been very leery of stepping on the scale, but I did it this morning!  I have lost a total of 16 pounds.  AND Larry and I went for a walk.  We drove down to the park in Juliaetta and parked the car.  I brought my camera along.  It was such a gorgeous time to be outside.  We walked around the ball park took a few camera shots and headed on down the trail.  It felt so good to be outside and not too cold or hot.  Just right.  I was able to walk on down the trail for about a mile.  Larry stopped walking with me part way and headed back for the car and met me in Juliaetta just beyond the .75 marker.  Am I excited?  You better believe it.  Now if more rain comes rolling in and it looks like that may be the case I can easier handle what it brings.  I've decided to make the most of the good days.  Do something enjoyable along with a little work.  It makes the thought of coming achy days easier to handle.  Am I having fun yet?  Yep, and I'm learning how to fit it in and make it last.  You know as I'm learning what I can do and what I can't, I'm realizing God has been at work in me all this time.  As It gets more difficult to get out some days, He's given me the means to write notes on cards I've made, take photos to share, and do so many other things from my desk that I never had time for when I was able to get out and do all the time.  So, now, for a good cup of coffee and a heating pad on my leg.  God is good. 

Birthday reminises

We had another family birthday celebration Sunday.  The birthday took place Friday, but we were able to all but our sons family get together Sunday afternoon.  You know, I look in the mirror and I see an overweight, not too bad looking, greying, older looking woman.  At least that's what I should see in the mirror.  But often when I look I see the same me that I've seen for 30 years or so.  To my eyes I don't see the age that apparently everyone under 50 sees when they look at me.  I was talking to my Uncle George one time about this very thing.  He said that in his mind he wasn't any older than he was at 16.  But his body betrayed him.  It kept reminding him that 16 was many years ago.  He just couldn't do all those things he had always taken for granted doing.  I was thinking about his statement and I wonder--do you suppose that the mind God blesses us with doesn't age--just our earthly bodies; and that when we get to heaven our perfected mind may still have good memories when it's placed inside an eternal body that's similar to the one we left behind.  No scripture tells us anything like that--it's just me wondering...  Five of our grandchildren now have their drivers licenses.  I remember vividly when their parents started driving.  Birthdays--they come and go and let us know how many years we've spent here.  All of us will continue celebrating as many birthdays as our dear Lord will let us before we stop counting and spend the rest with Him.   

Lord willing and the creek don't rise

I feel like I'm starting my blog all over again.  I quit writing for a couple of days and then every time I thought about coming back, it seemed I just couldn't.  Things didn't exactly go the way I thought they would and it really threw me a curve.  I had plans and they didn't occur, so I quit--but only for a little while.  It's difficult to write when you're feeling down--especially after you have proclaimed that you are going to have fun.  I'm learning something as I struggle through this process of thinking and trying to commit thoughts to paper in some type of order that will make sense.  One of the biggest things I'm learning is that even tomorrow may not look like you think it should today.  One of the phrases that is becoming more and more personal to me is, "Lord willing" I will do this or that.  When I was a little girl my Grandma used to say, "Lord willing, and the creek don't rise" when people would ask her if she was going to this or that, or doing a certain thing.  Those words have been popping up in my mind more and more lately.  I may make plans, but if God has other plans for me--He wins.  At least He had better win.  If I continue to demand my own way He often will allow it, but I will be so much happier if I do things in His timing, His way.  I had decided that I wanted to do something that was really a "good" thing to do, but as I prayed about it a few red flags had gone up, BUT I really wanted to do this "thing".  So I continued pursuing and planning and talking and trying to get things together so I could do this "thing".  Fortunately as the red flags increased I realized that what I had wanted to do was indeed a very good thing, but it wasn't for me to do right now.  I don't like having to back down from anything.  Especially if it's my idea.  But in this case God made it very clear that if I continued pursuing my way, things would not go well.  I gave up my idea.  So since my last blog entry, things have not been fun.  I am still looking for at least a couple days of "fun" activity in a row.  But even though I wasn't having fun, I was getting closer to being the Jesus girl that He wants me to be.  It's hard sometimes to allow Him to be in charge.  To say that I will do thus and so--Lord willing.  People look at me like I'm from the dark ages or something, but you know what?  The more I do it, the easier it gets to say the words, and the easier it gets to live it.  It's also great to be able to know without a shadow of a doubt, that what I'm doing--He's "willing".

It's Monday, the beginning of another work week.  I'm a homemaker and a Pastor's wife, so Monday is usually our day off.  Once in a while we end up having to take a different day, but mostly we do Mondays.  At the end of last week I was all set up to start having fun in my room and enjoying this month doing things that make me happy.  Cool weather with clouds and rain continue into this week, which if you read my last post you understand that that means I'm in pain so--I'm still reading.  Don't get me wrong, I love to read, I just had other things I really wanted to start doing.  I was also clumsy and rammed into something that refused to move with my right shoulder.  My right hand almost instantly went numb.  Now I'm icing, heating and babying it, and yes it hurts to type, so this will also be short.  My husband has been sick since Friday evening and I think he may have given me his great cold.  I also didn't intend for my blog to always make comments about God, but He is the major person in my life, so I find I'm talking about Him more and more.  I must say I have had a GREAT desire to have a pity party.  Then He reminds me of different scriptures I've learned that remind me He doesn't allow bad things into my life without a reason.  I've been studying James in the New Testament.  One of the verses that stands out to me is where it says we are "to count it all joy when we face various trials".  I've walked with Him long enough to know I learn from tough things He allows in my life.  So, if you asked, "are we having fun yet?"  I'd have to say, "Fun--no, Joy--yes."  Life happens and when we've made up our mind to have joy--that's even better.  BUT I AM going to have fun this week.  It may take me longer.  I may smell like Tiger Balm.  I may have to use my cane to get around.  BUT  I will press on and have as much fun as my limitations allow each day.  I hope you do too!

Ugh!

I have been putting off writing, not knowing what to say.  I am a procrastinator.  There I said it, I admitted it, I've let the whole world know!  Do you ever put the fun things off thinking that you have to work through the drudgery before you have any fun?  Or am I the ONLY one?  I've been doing a lot of soul searching.  (Writing a blog seems to be a platform for this).  I tend to avoid things that bring me pleasure.  I've even discovered that I can't imagine life without pain, therefore I should avoid anything that totally removes my pain.  If it's only a little or only in the evening, it's all right for me to hurt.  My doctor is trying to adjust my arthritis medication so that I do not experience pain, which in turn will make it easier for me to exercise and do things I would like to do.  But I keep thinking it's OK at this point because it's nothing compared to what I used to experience.  Somehow being totally free of pain is a foreign concept to me that I seem to believe I don't deserve.  Did you follow all that?  Last night I was in my office/play room--the place where I have all my supplies to use  for paper crafts, painting, stamping, etc.   I enjoyed myself so much that I lost track of time until my husband came in and let me know what time it was.  I asked him then, "How come I keep avoiding coming here, when I have so much fun when I do?"  He didn't have a clue.  I think I really baffled him at that moment.  I know how baffled I am when I think about it.  Somehow, I have determined that I am going to goof off and only do fun, silly, joy inducing things for one entire month.  (obviously I still have to cook, eat, and clean the kitchen, but that's it).  So from 2:08 PM Feb. 9 until 2:08 March 9 I will play, goof off, drink coffee, have fun, be silly and experience joy.  Think I can do it?  I sure am going to try.  Want to join me?  I'll be keeping tabs here on my blog to see what I'm doing and how well I'm doing it.  Oh, and by the way, the doctor wins--I will come as close to pain free 24/7 as I can. 

Time and Effort

I have a project right now.  Cleaning out and cleaning up my play room.  I wanted to say my "craft room", but there are so many things that I want to do in that room and I find all of them to be "fun", therefore the title "Play Room".  I like to scrapbook.  I like to paint. I love photography.  I like to write, and read other blogs on scrapbooking and paper craft.  I have SO many likes, that my "Play room" is total chaos.  So right now it needs cleaned out in the worst way.  But I have a problem.  I can't find anything.  Every time I go to make a card or try to use my photos for a gift--I can't find what I need.  Therefore, the project.  I don't mind cleaning it out.  I make so many new discovery's of items I had forgotten I even had that it's almost like Christmas going through my room.

Right now the entire room looks like massive clutter, and it's going to take time and effort to be able to get it to the point where I can really use the room and it's contents to full advantage.  Time and effort.  Two things that bog me down into uselessness more often than not.  Taking the time to do something I love is one of the most difficult things I face.  For some reason I seem to think that if the task is "fun" I can't do it until I have the house entirely clean and dinner in the oven; with menus made for the rest of the month, ad nauseum.  Why do I find it so difficult to allow myself time to just "play".  I don't think I'm the only one that struggles with this.  So for now, at least one hour every day I get to "play" with my papers, glues, glitters, photos, etc.  I give myself permission to do this each and every day.  I know that if I get going in my "play room" time has a way of disappearing and I come out so much more relaxed.  


There's something else that I often don't take the time for or make the effort to do and that's working on my relationship with Jesus.  So often I have so much to do I can't take the time for Him.  That's even difficult to type, let alone admit to the world.  But yes, there are days when I shove time with Him aside to do what seems to be most pressing.  BUT when I give myself permission to have time with Him each and every day, time has a way of disappearing and I come back to responsibilities much more relaxed and able to deal with everything else.

Changes!

Wow, am I ever undergoing a lot of change.  The funny thing is, I'm the only one that really can experience the effects all these changes are making.  Most people, when they see me would never even know that my life is changing.  I've been looking for answers to a lot of health questions and I'm beginning to see those questions addressed.  The "process" is life.  So many times we resist the "process" of change.  We don't particularly like what's happening.  We try and make the "process" go faster.  But in reality the "process" is our day to day living.  This time I have decided to enjoy the process.  I'm a little nervous, but eager to see how these things play out.  I have been given a nutrition program designed just for me.  It isn't a diet.  I have a list of vitamins and herbs that I am to take.  I have a food list made for me.  I have a list of exercises I'm encouraged to do.  All of this is for one month, to "kick start" my metabolism.  Why would I put myself through all this?  Because I love my family and I love the life God has given me and would like to enjoy it all as long as I can.  Life is messy.  It has it's ups and downs.  Bad things happen--bad things in our opinion--learning opportunities in God's.  But I have decided to embrace it all, the good and the bad, the banquets and the fasts, my life.  I'd like to share this journey with you.  Maybe through sharing it we both can learn even more!

I've been debating all evening about whether or not to write tonight.  I have a tendency to write about areas that I am beginning to conquer.  Tonight I'm struggling.  I'm in pain, the kind that doesn't go away no matter what I do.  It's been building all day.  I have a tendency to be able to predict the weather between my arthritis and the fibromyalgia.  When my husband was a painting contractor he used to ask me what the weather was going to be like the following day so he would know whether he should schedule for outdoor or indoor work.  Unfortunately that has not changed for the better--I have simply become more proficient.  

I'm trying to be more aware of why I do some of the things I do and for the most part, this is going quite well.  BUT I have learned that when I am experiencing pain, I eat.  I will eat anything that I think will give me comfort and/or relief.  Then afterward I kick myself as I realize if I eat, I will gain more weight, which in turn will make me hurt more.  This is a vicious cycle, one I've been struggling with for a very long time.  At least tonight I have chosen fruit and some nuts.  

I keep thinking if I do the right thing, lose enough weight, exercise enough etc... I will be just like I was when I was younger; and the sad thing is my Mother would try and tell me to be kind to myself, because if I didn't, I would suffer the consequences when I was her age.  AND I LAUGHED!!!  I would tell her that I was different.  Just because it happened to her did NOT automatically mean it would happen to me.  She would tell me I needed to ask for help to move my furniture.  Not me--I'm strong and independent.  I didn't NEED anyone's help to do anything.  Looking back, I was quite arrogant.  

How often do we respond in a similar way to God's prompting in our life.  I don't know about you, but there are many times I have forged ahead doing things my way.  I would pray about it, but my prayers were more, "God, this is what I want to do.  Now bless it, help me work it out, and I'll get it done."  So many times I've had to back pedal and try to explain to others why a certain project didn't go the way I thought it would.  God wants us to listen and be obedient to Him.  That's when I can have total peace of mind over a project--when He is really in charge and I am doing what He wants me to do.  

So, do I share the day and night of pain?  I think in all fairness I should.  In this way I pray you will be encouraged.  I struggle.  I question and He doesn't mind.  But I know, that in the midst of the struggle and questions and discouragement, He gives me peace.  Psalm 91:4 reminds me:   He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.   What a perfect place to be.

Back to the pool

I did it today!  I made it back to the pool in Clarkston.  My physical therapist gave me two laminated sheets front and back of exercises to do in the pool.  I had been going with a friend for a year and a half before the knees gave out.  Now with my new knees I'm back at it again, only this time I'm going with two friends--and working on my sister. :)  The first couple times I always end up with sore muscles, but it's really encouraging, because I have muscles that I have been able to use and feel and being sore means they are working as they were meant to.  I may have pain in my arm that doesn't want to go away, but I'm still able to play the piano/keyboard.  I am so thankful that I can continue to play music.  

Music has been my mental therapy for years.  I can remember going home from school after a very difficult day.  I didn't always "fit in". I was one of the different kids.  I had to take remedial gym class and believe me, it does not win you the affection of very many classmates when they hear you have "remedial gym".  One of the highlights of that class though, was learning to fence.  I have always loved the "Three Musketeers" and their fencing scenes and it was a thrill to actually take classes learning all the fundamentals of fencing.   Other than that, it was very embarrassing.  When I would go home after school and listening to "comments" from my classmates I would sit down at the piano and my Grandma could always tell how the day had gone for me.  If it had been a good day--all the music I played was upbeat and happy.  If my feelings were hurt the music would be very melancholy and s-l-o-w.  If I was angry with someone the music was harsh, loud and fast.  As I played, the anger and hurt feelings poured out my fingertips.  At the end of my hour of practice the music would be pleasant and Grandma wouldn't want me to stop.  When my shoulder had to be replaced my greatest fear was that it would have been so damaged that I wouldn't be able to play music anymore.  Before the surgery it was so bad that I couldn't use it to play.  I was so grateful when the healing process enabled me sit down at the piano and enjoy the music.  I can't play as long as I used to, but I can play and for me that's something for which I am VERY thankful. 

It's one of those evenings.  I look at this blank page and wonder why I thought I could come up with something to say more than once or twice.  But, here goes.

I am learning a lot about myself.  I have a friend--Nanci--that said on her blog that she has learned a lot about herself since beginning her journey last January and I must agree.  Somehow taking time to write out what's on my mind and verbalize the things I'm learning from being a Jesus girl  go hand in hand.  

The last few years I've learned a lot.  The way I've learned hasn't been my most favorite method, but sometimes God allows us to experience a period in our lives where we HAVE to slow down and listen to Him.  In the last 10 years I have had 6 surgeries.  I've had to use a walker, a cane, periods where I've had to stay quiet in my recliner and wait for recovery.  I used to say that "WAIT" was a four letter word I really didn't like, yet it has become a word I respect and have grown to appreciate.  I still don't always like it, but I do appreciate the things I've learned while waiting.  Most of these things have had to do with things I've feared.  

I've been looking at my first posts and realized I have listed a couple of the fears I'm learning to overcome, but maybe I should share the list of fears I'm learning to deal with.  I've shared the fear of sharing--being open and vulnerable.  I've shared insecurity.  These have been two of my greatest fears.  I've dealt with fearing death, fear of limitations--physical and emotional, being afraid I couldn't lose weight and knowing that if I don't it will increase my limitations.  I've feared being a disappointment to people I care about, both family and friends.  But  you know, the one thing that stands out to me more than any other is that I don't have one single fear that most of the world doesn't struggle with from time to time.  

I think one of the greatest lies we have to deal with as we "grow up" is "that I'm the only one."  Somehow when we are really struggling we feel alone.  We also feel that "everyone is : looking at, laughing at, talking about, pointing fingers at, disliking, is angry at" and on and on.  As I go through the year I'm sure some of these fears will trouble me again, but I hope I've learned enough to know that I'm NOT that important.  People have their own problems and insecurities to deal with and truly don't spend that much time thinking about mine.   

As I was thinking about all this the last couple of days I realized that I have wasted a lot of time hurrying up to keep a lot of other people happy.  I have missed out on a lot of things that have been right in front of me to enjoy because I thought I HAD to get this or that done NOW.  I thought I had to do what someone else expected me to do without thinking about what was really important for me to do at that particular moment.  I'm 60 years old.  I am planning on enjoying every moment of the rest of my life.  It may not go the way I want, or plan, but "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  That's all I need to know for sure.

"Sweat" isn't a bad thing.

I skipped a day and I missed it!  I'm finding I actually am enjoying writing these little snippets of thought--even when I'm posting about my fears.  I was afraid I didn't have anything to say.  I'm feeling a little bit that way tonight, but decided I'd give it a go anyway.  

I'm working on the low carb diet and exercise plan.  It's difficult, in that sometimes I've eaten something and not realized until after it's gone that I'm eating something I've decided to live without.  I'm hoping that as it becomes more and more of a habit it will get easier to leave the sweets, pastas and breads alone.  I've been told that after 21 days it will get easier.  This is day 4 so I'm not doing too badly here.  But then there's the exercise part.

Yesterday my Physical Therapist worked me over so well that I didn't want to move the rest of yesterday or today.  I fought against that urge and got a few things done--using "putting Christmas decorations away" as a "physical activity".  For me, in the condition I'm in right now, that was hard work.  Standing in one spot and wrapping village pieces from under the tree make me sweat!  I'm discovering that "sweat" isn't a bad thing when it's a result of doing more than you have for quite a while.  Due to health issues I haven't been very active.  Some of the health issues that limited movement have been dealt with (new knees) so now I'm trying to gradually move more.  I am discovering muscles in places I didn't realize I had any muscular tissue.  And those little movements the therapist tells you to do end up resulting in extreme soreness.  I am sore!!  It's a good sore--that's what I keep telling myself.  I see my physical therapist tomorrow and hopefully some of those sore muscles will loosen up.  

My walk with Jesus is often reflected by my physical life.  If I don't continually flex my "muscles" of faith and trust they get flabby and unproductive.  Life becomes more and more difficult as those weak muscles get weaker and weaker from lack of use.  Pretty soon I am an ineffective Jesus girl.  I lose my desire to share what Jesus has accomplished in my life and then if not dealt with, I lose my desire to allow Jesus to do anything in my life.  In both my physical and spiritual life, when inactivity leads to flabbiness, I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting people around me.  

So, on to stronger muscles, both physically and spiritually. 

Face my fears--why is it when you declare that "this", whatever "this" may be is going to be something you are ready to deal with and NOW, that you are hit with all kinds of reasons why it isn't going to work, or "you're being silly", or doubts of all kinds come rushing at you at top speed?  I had a resolution last year, that whenever I decided to do something important I would NOT tell anyone.  For as surely as I spoke the words out loud allowing others in on my battle, I would literally fall apart and not be able to even come close to accomplishing what I had declared I would do??

 I used to be able to make up my mind that I would stick to a diet and lose "X" number of pounds.  I would set my mind toward my goal and hang in there until I accomplished it.  I have failed so many times to maintain that now I am afraid to make that commitment--and that is one of the fears I am declaring today.  To say that I'm not afraid of making any strong statement concerning "diet" right now would be lying.  BUT  here goes.  Beginning today I am going to do my absolute best to totally give up sugar and white bread, white rice, white potatoes, white carbs in general.  My one granddaughter has to stick to this diet and I have been contemplating the very same one for months now, because I know I always feel better when I am committed to this food program and exercise every day. 

I'm not going gungho with the whole thing, but I have also been studying Lysa Terkeurst's study, "Made to Crave".  I am ready to make this commitment.  It's not a diet.  It's a way of life.  I'm learning that anything in my life that controls me rather than me controlling it, needs to go.  God is number one, my husband and family following, then church, community etc.  I must admit though that there have been times when I've ignored God's voice for a stack of lemon cookies.  "How terrible", you might say, but have you ever thought, "I'll read my Bible later after my snack?"  To you this may not be a problem and for that I'm very happy for you.  But for me it is.  I know my body feels better when I cut out carbs.  I know I have more energy, fewer aches and pains; so to continue eating any other way is foolish.
  

So here goes.  I've made my declaration public.  I'm letting my friends know how to get to my blog.  I will be brave!  I'm hanging on to, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13 NLV.

New Year, New Challenge

Wow!  I've always admired people when they've stated they have a blog.  I was sure it was something I dare not attempt.  This is the year I face my fears.  I have no idea what I'm doing, but I do know I have to at least attempt, so here goes.  There are a couple of fears I'm planning on sharing here.  My fear of sharing with people--odd, since I'm a pastor's wife--and my fear of failure.  To even see these words on the screen make my stomach drop.  I know that Jesus girls aren't supposed to have fear, since fear doesn't come from God, but it's something I think I have to deal with every day.  There are times that I overcome my fears, but this year I'm hoping and praying that I can surrender these to God and finally grow beyond fear.  So here goes.  For now I'm hoping to be able to post a couple times a week.  Maybe once I get going I'll find it so therapeutic that I do it daily.  We'll see, together or alone--this is for me.  If you can receive any help from my ramblings--even if it's a laugh or two--please join me on this venture!