I've been debating all evening about whether or not to write tonight.  I have a tendency to write about areas that I am beginning to conquer.  Tonight I'm struggling.  I'm in pain, the kind that doesn't go away no matter what I do.  It's been building all day.  I have a tendency to be able to predict the weather between my arthritis and the fibromyalgia.  When my husband was a painting contractor he used to ask me what the weather was going to be like the following day so he would know whether he should schedule for outdoor or indoor work.  Unfortunately that has not changed for the better--I have simply become more proficient.  

I'm trying to be more aware of why I do some of the things I do and for the most part, this is going quite well.  BUT I have learned that when I am experiencing pain, I eat.  I will eat anything that I think will give me comfort and/or relief.  Then afterward I kick myself as I realize if I eat, I will gain more weight, which in turn will make me hurt more.  This is a vicious cycle, one I've been struggling with for a very long time.  At least tonight I have chosen fruit and some nuts.  

I keep thinking if I do the right thing, lose enough weight, exercise enough etc... I will be just like I was when I was younger; and the sad thing is my Mother would try and tell me to be kind to myself, because if I didn't, I would suffer the consequences when I was her age.  AND I LAUGHED!!!  I would tell her that I was different.  Just because it happened to her did NOT automatically mean it would happen to me.  She would tell me I needed to ask for help to move my furniture.  Not me--I'm strong and independent.  I didn't NEED anyone's help to do anything.  Looking back, I was quite arrogant.  

How often do we respond in a similar way to God's prompting in our life.  I don't know about you, but there are many times I have forged ahead doing things my way.  I would pray about it, but my prayers were more, "God, this is what I want to do.  Now bless it, help me work it out, and I'll get it done."  So many times I've had to back pedal and try to explain to others why a certain project didn't go the way I thought it would.  God wants us to listen and be obedient to Him.  That's when I can have total peace of mind over a project--when He is really in charge and I am doing what He wants me to do.  

So, do I share the day and night of pain?  I think in all fairness I should.  In this way I pray you will be encouraged.  I struggle.  I question and He doesn't mind.  But I know, that in the midst of the struggle and questions and discouragement, He gives me peace.  Psalm 91:4 reminds me:   He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.   What a perfect place to be.