Time and Effort

I have a project right now.  Cleaning out and cleaning up my play room.  I wanted to say my "craft room", but there are so many things that I want to do in that room and I find all of them to be "fun", therefore the title "Play Room".  I like to scrapbook.  I like to paint. I love photography.  I like to write, and read other blogs on scrapbooking and paper craft.  I have SO many likes, that my "Play room" is total chaos.  So right now it needs cleaned out in the worst way.  But I have a problem.  I can't find anything.  Every time I go to make a card or try to use my photos for a gift--I can't find what I need.  Therefore, the project.  I don't mind cleaning it out.  I make so many new discovery's of items I had forgotten I even had that it's almost like Christmas going through my room.

Right now the entire room looks like massive clutter, and it's going to take time and effort to be able to get it to the point where I can really use the room and it's contents to full advantage.  Time and effort.  Two things that bog me down into uselessness more often than not.  Taking the time to do something I love is one of the most difficult things I face.  For some reason I seem to think that if the task is "fun" I can't do it until I have the house entirely clean and dinner in the oven; with menus made for the rest of the month, ad nauseum.  Why do I find it so difficult to allow myself time to just "play".  I don't think I'm the only one that struggles with this.  So for now, at least one hour every day I get to "play" with my papers, glues, glitters, photos, etc.  I give myself permission to do this each and every day.  I know that if I get going in my "play room" time has a way of disappearing and I come out so much more relaxed.  


There's something else that I often don't take the time for or make the effort to do and that's working on my relationship with Jesus.  So often I have so much to do I can't take the time for Him.  That's even difficult to type, let alone admit to the world.  But yes, there are days when I shove time with Him aside to do what seems to be most pressing.  BUT when I give myself permission to have time with Him each and every day, time has a way of disappearing and I come back to responsibilities much more relaxed and able to deal with everything else.

Changes!

Wow, am I ever undergoing a lot of change.  The funny thing is, I'm the only one that really can experience the effects all these changes are making.  Most people, when they see me would never even know that my life is changing.  I've been looking for answers to a lot of health questions and I'm beginning to see those questions addressed.  The "process" is life.  So many times we resist the "process" of change.  We don't particularly like what's happening.  We try and make the "process" go faster.  But in reality the "process" is our day to day living.  This time I have decided to enjoy the process.  I'm a little nervous, but eager to see how these things play out.  I have been given a nutrition program designed just for me.  It isn't a diet.  I have a list of vitamins and herbs that I am to take.  I have a food list made for me.  I have a list of exercises I'm encouraged to do.  All of this is for one month, to "kick start" my metabolism.  Why would I put myself through all this?  Because I love my family and I love the life God has given me and would like to enjoy it all as long as I can.  Life is messy.  It has it's ups and downs.  Bad things happen--bad things in our opinion--learning opportunities in God's.  But I have decided to embrace it all, the good and the bad, the banquets and the fasts, my life.  I'd like to share this journey with you.  Maybe through sharing it we both can learn even more!

I've been debating all evening about whether or not to write tonight.  I have a tendency to write about areas that I am beginning to conquer.  Tonight I'm struggling.  I'm in pain, the kind that doesn't go away no matter what I do.  It's been building all day.  I have a tendency to be able to predict the weather between my arthritis and the fibromyalgia.  When my husband was a painting contractor he used to ask me what the weather was going to be like the following day so he would know whether he should schedule for outdoor or indoor work.  Unfortunately that has not changed for the better--I have simply become more proficient.  

I'm trying to be more aware of why I do some of the things I do and for the most part, this is going quite well.  BUT I have learned that when I am experiencing pain, I eat.  I will eat anything that I think will give me comfort and/or relief.  Then afterward I kick myself as I realize if I eat, I will gain more weight, which in turn will make me hurt more.  This is a vicious cycle, one I've been struggling with for a very long time.  At least tonight I have chosen fruit and some nuts.  

I keep thinking if I do the right thing, lose enough weight, exercise enough etc... I will be just like I was when I was younger; and the sad thing is my Mother would try and tell me to be kind to myself, because if I didn't, I would suffer the consequences when I was her age.  AND I LAUGHED!!!  I would tell her that I was different.  Just because it happened to her did NOT automatically mean it would happen to me.  She would tell me I needed to ask for help to move my furniture.  Not me--I'm strong and independent.  I didn't NEED anyone's help to do anything.  Looking back, I was quite arrogant.  

How often do we respond in a similar way to God's prompting in our life.  I don't know about you, but there are many times I have forged ahead doing things my way.  I would pray about it, but my prayers were more, "God, this is what I want to do.  Now bless it, help me work it out, and I'll get it done."  So many times I've had to back pedal and try to explain to others why a certain project didn't go the way I thought it would.  God wants us to listen and be obedient to Him.  That's when I can have total peace of mind over a project--when He is really in charge and I am doing what He wants me to do.  

So, do I share the day and night of pain?  I think in all fairness I should.  In this way I pray you will be encouraged.  I struggle.  I question and He doesn't mind.  But I know, that in the midst of the struggle and questions and discouragement, He gives me peace.  Psalm 91:4 reminds me:   He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.   What a perfect place to be.

Back to the pool

I did it today!  I made it back to the pool in Clarkston.  My physical therapist gave me two laminated sheets front and back of exercises to do in the pool.  I had been going with a friend for a year and a half before the knees gave out.  Now with my new knees I'm back at it again, only this time I'm going with two friends--and working on my sister. :)  The first couple times I always end up with sore muscles, but it's really encouraging, because I have muscles that I have been able to use and feel and being sore means they are working as they were meant to.  I may have pain in my arm that doesn't want to go away, but I'm still able to play the piano/keyboard.  I am so thankful that I can continue to play music.  

Music has been my mental therapy for years.  I can remember going home from school after a very difficult day.  I didn't always "fit in". I was one of the different kids.  I had to take remedial gym class and believe me, it does not win you the affection of very many classmates when they hear you have "remedial gym".  One of the highlights of that class though, was learning to fence.  I have always loved the "Three Musketeers" and their fencing scenes and it was a thrill to actually take classes learning all the fundamentals of fencing.   Other than that, it was very embarrassing.  When I would go home after school and listening to "comments" from my classmates I would sit down at the piano and my Grandma could always tell how the day had gone for me.  If it had been a good day--all the music I played was upbeat and happy.  If my feelings were hurt the music would be very melancholy and s-l-o-w.  If I was angry with someone the music was harsh, loud and fast.  As I played, the anger and hurt feelings poured out my fingertips.  At the end of my hour of practice the music would be pleasant and Grandma wouldn't want me to stop.  When my shoulder had to be replaced my greatest fear was that it would have been so damaged that I wouldn't be able to play music anymore.  Before the surgery it was so bad that I couldn't use it to play.  I was so grateful when the healing process enabled me sit down at the piano and enjoy the music.  I can't play as long as I used to, but I can play and for me that's something for which I am VERY thankful. 

It's one of those evenings.  I look at this blank page and wonder why I thought I could come up with something to say more than once or twice.  But, here goes.

I am learning a lot about myself.  I have a friend--Nanci--that said on her blog that she has learned a lot about herself since beginning her journey last January and I must agree.  Somehow taking time to write out what's on my mind and verbalize the things I'm learning from being a Jesus girl  go hand in hand.  

The last few years I've learned a lot.  The way I've learned hasn't been my most favorite method, but sometimes God allows us to experience a period in our lives where we HAVE to slow down and listen to Him.  In the last 10 years I have had 6 surgeries.  I've had to use a walker, a cane, periods where I've had to stay quiet in my recliner and wait for recovery.  I used to say that "WAIT" was a four letter word I really didn't like, yet it has become a word I respect and have grown to appreciate.  I still don't always like it, but I do appreciate the things I've learned while waiting.  Most of these things have had to do with things I've feared.  

I've been looking at my first posts and realized I have listed a couple of the fears I'm learning to overcome, but maybe I should share the list of fears I'm learning to deal with.  I've shared the fear of sharing--being open and vulnerable.  I've shared insecurity.  These have been two of my greatest fears.  I've dealt with fearing death, fear of limitations--physical and emotional, being afraid I couldn't lose weight and knowing that if I don't it will increase my limitations.  I've feared being a disappointment to people I care about, both family and friends.  But  you know, the one thing that stands out to me more than any other is that I don't have one single fear that most of the world doesn't struggle with from time to time.  

I think one of the greatest lies we have to deal with as we "grow up" is "that I'm the only one."  Somehow when we are really struggling we feel alone.  We also feel that "everyone is : looking at, laughing at, talking about, pointing fingers at, disliking, is angry at" and on and on.  As I go through the year I'm sure some of these fears will trouble me again, but I hope I've learned enough to know that I'm NOT that important.  People have their own problems and insecurities to deal with and truly don't spend that much time thinking about mine.   

As I was thinking about all this the last couple of days I realized that I have wasted a lot of time hurrying up to keep a lot of other people happy.  I have missed out on a lot of things that have been right in front of me to enjoy because I thought I HAD to get this or that done NOW.  I thought I had to do what someone else expected me to do without thinking about what was really important for me to do at that particular moment.  I'm 60 years old.  I am planning on enjoying every moment of the rest of my life.  It may not go the way I want, or plan, but "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11  That's all I need to know for sure.

"Sweat" isn't a bad thing.

I skipped a day and I missed it!  I'm finding I actually am enjoying writing these little snippets of thought--even when I'm posting about my fears.  I was afraid I didn't have anything to say.  I'm feeling a little bit that way tonight, but decided I'd give it a go anyway.  

I'm working on the low carb diet and exercise plan.  It's difficult, in that sometimes I've eaten something and not realized until after it's gone that I'm eating something I've decided to live without.  I'm hoping that as it becomes more and more of a habit it will get easier to leave the sweets, pastas and breads alone.  I've been told that after 21 days it will get easier.  This is day 4 so I'm not doing too badly here.  But then there's the exercise part.

Yesterday my Physical Therapist worked me over so well that I didn't want to move the rest of yesterday or today.  I fought against that urge and got a few things done--using "putting Christmas decorations away" as a "physical activity".  For me, in the condition I'm in right now, that was hard work.  Standing in one spot and wrapping village pieces from under the tree make me sweat!  I'm discovering that "sweat" isn't a bad thing when it's a result of doing more than you have for quite a while.  Due to health issues I haven't been very active.  Some of the health issues that limited movement have been dealt with (new knees) so now I'm trying to gradually move more.  I am discovering muscles in places I didn't realize I had any muscular tissue.  And those little movements the therapist tells you to do end up resulting in extreme soreness.  I am sore!!  It's a good sore--that's what I keep telling myself.  I see my physical therapist tomorrow and hopefully some of those sore muscles will loosen up.  

My walk with Jesus is often reflected by my physical life.  If I don't continually flex my "muscles" of faith and trust they get flabby and unproductive.  Life becomes more and more difficult as those weak muscles get weaker and weaker from lack of use.  Pretty soon I am an ineffective Jesus girl.  I lose my desire to share what Jesus has accomplished in my life and then if not dealt with, I lose my desire to allow Jesus to do anything in my life.  In both my physical and spiritual life, when inactivity leads to flabbiness, I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting people around me.  

So, on to stronger muscles, both physically and spiritually. 

Face my fears--why is it when you declare that "this", whatever "this" may be is going to be something you are ready to deal with and NOW, that you are hit with all kinds of reasons why it isn't going to work, or "you're being silly", or doubts of all kinds come rushing at you at top speed?  I had a resolution last year, that whenever I decided to do something important I would NOT tell anyone.  For as surely as I spoke the words out loud allowing others in on my battle, I would literally fall apart and not be able to even come close to accomplishing what I had declared I would do??

 I used to be able to make up my mind that I would stick to a diet and lose "X" number of pounds.  I would set my mind toward my goal and hang in there until I accomplished it.  I have failed so many times to maintain that now I am afraid to make that commitment--and that is one of the fears I am declaring today.  To say that I'm not afraid of making any strong statement concerning "diet" right now would be lying.  BUT  here goes.  Beginning today I am going to do my absolute best to totally give up sugar and white bread, white rice, white potatoes, white carbs in general.  My one granddaughter has to stick to this diet and I have been contemplating the very same one for months now, because I know I always feel better when I am committed to this food program and exercise every day. 

I'm not going gungho with the whole thing, but I have also been studying Lysa Terkeurst's study, "Made to Crave".  I am ready to make this commitment.  It's not a diet.  It's a way of life.  I'm learning that anything in my life that controls me rather than me controlling it, needs to go.  God is number one, my husband and family following, then church, community etc.  I must admit though that there have been times when I've ignored God's voice for a stack of lemon cookies.  "How terrible", you might say, but have you ever thought, "I'll read my Bible later after my snack?"  To you this may not be a problem and for that I'm very happy for you.  But for me it is.  I know my body feels better when I cut out carbs.  I know I have more energy, fewer aches and pains; so to continue eating any other way is foolish.
  

So here goes.  I've made my declaration public.  I'm letting my friends know how to get to my blog.  I will be brave!  I'm hanging on to, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13 NLV.

New Year, New Challenge

Wow!  I've always admired people when they've stated they have a blog.  I was sure it was something I dare not attempt.  This is the year I face my fears.  I have no idea what I'm doing, but I do know I have to at least attempt, so here goes.  There are a couple of fears I'm planning on sharing here.  My fear of sharing with people--odd, since I'm a pastor's wife--and my fear of failure.  To even see these words on the screen make my stomach drop.  I know that Jesus girls aren't supposed to have fear, since fear doesn't come from God, but it's something I think I have to deal with every day.  There are times that I overcome my fears, but this year I'm hoping and praying that I can surrender these to God and finally grow beyond fear.  So here goes.  For now I'm hoping to be able to post a couple times a week.  Maybe once I get going I'll find it so therapeutic that I do it daily.  We'll see, together or alone--this is for me.  If you can receive any help from my ramblings--even if it's a laugh or two--please join me on this venture!