What to Write

Trying to decide what to write about is probably the most difficult part of having a blog.  There are all kinds of things I would consider, but putting my thoughts in black and white(OK purple and green) for others to read causes my internal editor to truly kick in.  I have this problem--I'm a people pleaser.  I've been one for as long as I've existed on this planet.  I do not remember ever not wanting to please people.  I know some people find this extremely difficult to understand, but I am of that strange breed of human that likes to be liked.  I will truly work at deciding the only one I have to please is God; and I'll try so hard to believe that and live it, but then I slip and I'm back to being a pleaser--again.  To write ones thoughts and publish them in any form for others to read and critique that's really stretching a comfort zone.  It's making me practice what I preach--I am a child of God and He loves me just the way I am and He's the only one I truly need to please; and the only thing I have to do to please Him is to love Him and give Him praise.  So why is this so hard?  

It's hard because I lose my focus.  When I am actively loving God and giving Him praise; spending time with Him in His word and prayer, He's all that really matters.  The ironic thing is that when I am focused on Him I find there are things I want to share with others--they just start pouring out.  I am who I really desire to be when I'm focused on Jesus.  It's when I start getting focused on peoples reactions to me that I start to flounder.  You see I end up focused on me and the more I look at myself,  the more time I spend on thinking that no one wants to hear anything I have to say.  What if I say something that makes them angry?  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Nobody wants to read anything I say anyway.  Why am I doing this?  

Then I stop and I remember why I'm doing this.  I felt God wanted me to write.  (He's also used our kids to tell me so.)  He has blessed me with an incredible story of love and as I write on my blog I'm learning how to share my life filtered through His hands.  I give the words to Him to put together His way and then I write.  What comes out are the words He's giving me today.  His word, His story, put together His way.  I have nothing and no one to fear.  

Special Times

I haven't posted for over a week.  We were on a very busy "vacation".  This time of year everyone is faced with school related activity.  We're definitely in the "grandparent" stage of life which is much busier than anyone ever told me.  Our grandson JD graduated from high school a week ago last Saturday.  He also received his AA degree at the same time.  We are quite proud of him and all his accomplishments.

Then this past Thursday, June 14, our son Chris retired from the United States Air Force after 23 years of service, with great praise from his superiors.  It was quite astounding to hear the speaker of the event listing our sons many accomplishments, one of which is humility.  After all we heard we realized how humble our son truly is and we are very proud of him.  

On the way to our "special event" with Chris, we were given the news that the grandmother of two of our sons-in-laws (yes, two of our daughters married cousins) had gone home to be with the Lord.  She was a treasured friend of ours as well.  She liked to listen to me play the piano, so I volunteered to play for her service.  I so enjoyed being able to play for her service; and visit with family and old friends. 

We were unable to stay through Sunday, as we needed to get home so that I could play for our Sunday Morning Worship.  Larry wasn't preaching, but I had decided to play the digital piano as I usually do.  A wonderful couple in our church were celebrating 65 years of marriage, and had family visiting that morning and wanted us to celebrate with them.  

During all the commotion, sadness, happiness, laughter and tears, we also celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary.  Our son had entered the Air Force on our 20th wedding anniversary.  He said he wanted to "share" the anniversary date.  The 43rd anniversary was much better celebrated than the 20th.  I still remember sitting in the airport, waiting for him to board the plane to San Antonio, Texas and boot camp.  It was difficult to hide my tears.  Coincidentally, he and his wife celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary earlier this year--the year of his retirement.

Life was definitely busy, emotional, and with a "touch" of stress, but Larry and I are feeling quite blessed.  During all the busyness we were surrounded by our wonderful family.  My sister and brother-in-law were able to join us for JD's weekend.  We had all of our kids, spouses, and grands, around us; including our newly adopted granddaughter and two (Lord willing) soon to be adopted granddaughter and grandson. (Our son and daughter-in-law are growing their family through adoption.)  God has blessed us "abundantly, beyond anything we could ask or imagine." 

 An earlier picture of the grands minus the two youngest.

 No great statements.  No trials or tribulations that have taught me lessons.  Just a busy slice of our life I wanted to share with all of you.  

Honesty... honestly?

The reason I'm writing this blog is to work out my responses to those things that I encounter everyday.  But one of the questions I ask myself when writing my blog is--how real will I be on Simplyme?  Do I only write about the easy things, the struggles that work out for my good, my weaknesses that don't reveal too much of who I really am?  Or do I write what my name suggests--Simplyme?

I've been struggling with this all morning.  Do I really let you in, be vulnerable enough to show you the real me?  Well, here goes--honesty.

The honest truth is, today I want to hide from the world and not let anyone see me.  The truth is I want to eat everything in sight.  The truth is I want to curl up in a ball and not move at all.  The truth is I'm in pain.  These are all of my usual responses to extreme pain.  The reason I'm sharing is that I decided when I started this journey with you that I would handle my pain, fears, and joys differently.  Instead of hiding and eating everything in sight--I'm writing.  Laying all this before you and realizing that old ways of handling this part of my life are not the best ways.  

I really did not want to go to the church this morning at 7:30 AM for TaiChi class.  I didn't want to see the other women that would be there, BUT I did it!  That was really a big thing for me.  I actually enjoyed being with the women and for a little while put aside the pain.  

I came home and after lunch of one of my protein shakes (which I love), Larry massaged my arm that was really aching; an area on my good arm that is in a lot of pain.  It hasn't hurt until lately and I'm really wanting to have a pity party and complain to the Lord.  Why my good arm?  Why? Why?  But that would not accomplish anything good for me. And to be perfectly honest that route has not helped in the past.  I know the Lord wants to hear all of our struggles and talking to Him about those struggles does help.  But complaining only makes me more miserable.  

So, I'm writing.  And you know, as I'm laying this out before you, I'm realizing that my arm does still hurt, but I don't feel so alone.  I don't feel so helpless.  Do you suppose this is why Jesus told us to bear each others burdens?  He knew if we would be willing to share our weaknesses with each other, those weaknesses would bring about strength?  

The pain is not gone.  I can't even say that it's better.  BUT my attitude about my pain is better.  There is no longer a big black cloud of doom and gloom over my head.  I am not ready to eat everything in sight.  I am able to accept my feelings as where I'm at today.  Arthritis and Fibromyalgia have days of pain.  I've had some really good days lately, so today isn't good and I'll take care of me.  I have lots to read.  I can still have a very positive day, because I've been able to be HONEST with you.   

What a week!

The last time I posted I talked about procrastination.  I wanted to at least write a quick post to let you all know that I am not procrastinating my blog.  It would seem that ever since I wrote last, life has picked up speed and time has flown!  I am a little dizzy from the speed, but holding it together!  LOL  I have spent very little time on my computer.  BUT, don't ask me what I've been doing, 'cause I  wouldn't be able to put it all together in a way that made any sense to you--other than you wondering what was so busy about that!  Do you follow?  Have you had a day where someone asks you what you did all day and you KNOW that your day was profitable, meaningful, busier than ever; but when you stop to give an account of what you did--you can't think of one thing that really took all that much time?  Please tell me I'm not the only one!  I've had over a week of those days and I am very, very tired.  It's difficult to put one foot in front of the other, but can I go to sleep--if I could, would I be sitting here after midnight writing?  

Every thing that has occurred has been wonderful.  No tragedies, no spectacular events, just the everyday busyness that effects all of our lives from time to time.  This time though, I've given up computer time to keep up with my quiet time with Jesus.  Normally, and I can't believe I'm admitting this in public, one of the first things to get cut back is my prayer and study time.  Yes, I'm a preachers wife, but I'm also human and deal with a lot of the same struggles that everyone else does.  When schedules get tight--cut what you can and move on.  I've finally realized that cutting my time with Jesus makes everything take even longer to accomplish and I don't get anything done satisfactorily.  I know, I've heard this all my life--BUT it's true.  Every time I've tried to cut my time with Him short--I pay in the long run.  Life just moves along better with Him.  It doesn't slow down.  It doesn't mean life gets easier; it's just better.  When I put Him first I go through my day feeling like I'm accomplishing much more than when I don't.  I guess what really matters is not proving to you I've had a busy week, but allowing Him to put that busy week in order.  

I hope this makes sense to you.  If you have any questions, let me know.  And REMEMBER--it's 12:16 AM and I'm really, really tired.

I Did It!

Well, for those of you who are waiting to hear what happened with my desk--I did it!!  It is so clean and so organized it's unbelievable.  I totally cleaned off the desk and area around it.  I put everything on our dining room table.  I couldn't believe what I had stashed in such a small area.  As I was piling it up on the table, I began to realize another reason I had procrastinated.  I had to make decisions.  Not just one decision, or two, but numerous decisions, and you know what?  I do not like to make decisions.  It's always, "what do you think?"  or "what do you want to do".  These were not life or death decisions.  Just decisions about where to put this or that so that I could find it again.  Is it valuable enough to take up any space on my desk or surrounding area?  What do I need to do with this item so that I can find it again when I need it?  All of these questions implied that I needed to be somewhat organized.  

When I worked as an "Administrative Assistant" temporary employee (referred to as "temp" from now on), I was super organized.  Larry would pick me up after work at some of the places and while he waited for me would be told over and over what a great job I did and how organized I was.  He would look at me and shake his head.  He could never understand how I could be SO organized in an office and so UNorganized at home.  At the offices where I "temped" I knew where everything was supposed to be--it was pointed out to me at the beginning of the job.  BUT when I got home I had to decide where to put things and thus, my dilemma. 

But, I did it.  My desk looks amazing!  Everything is cleaned and polished and organized!  I can find things because I actually labelled folders where I had placed important information.  I was able to find things I thought I had lost!  It took me three days, but it's done.  There is no longer anything from my desk or surrounding area on my table.  I feel so efficient!  Maybe now I'll be able to tackle other areas that I've avoided.  But for now--I Did It!

Thanks for the feedback.  I appreciate your comments and I'm actually enjoying being accountable to you.  AND it's been less than a week since the last blog entry.  Not much less, but an improvement.  

Old Habits Die Hard

I haven't forgotten how to do this, I have simply been procrastinating.  For a long time I have realized that I am a major procrastinator.  When I have a project I'll think about it for a while and if I think there is any risk involved I tend to put it off.  I have a great fear of failure.  I fear what people will think of me.  I started blogging because it was time to face my fears and for a while I did pretty good.  But then I found out that people are actually reading what I'm writing and fear raises it's ugly head again.  So I procrastinate.  If I don't write anything I don't have to be afraid that someone won't like what I wrote.  I know, if you aren't a procrastinator you don't understand.  

When I did children's musicals for various churches Larry has ministered to--I loved putting the music together, painting the sets, but I usually left it until it HAD to be done.  Then I could do whatever the project was because  I always had the excuse that I didn't have time to do it really well.  So if people didn't like it, it didn't reflect on me, it was because I didn't have time to do a really good job.  I know, as I write that sentence it doesn't even make sense, but at the time fear was controlling me--definitely NOT logic.  

Now I am realizing procrastination has to be eliminated.  It's definitely NOT a way to honor God.  These are things I'm doing to bring Him glory and I am not to be worrying what people will think.  What God thinks is the real question.  I want to honor Him in all that I do.  To do that I can't put the task off until the last minute and fake my way through it.  That's something I've had to confess to Him, repent of it, and know that I can't do that any more with a clear conscience.  

It's a tough habit to give up.  And that's just it, I've done it so long it has become a habit.  But it's a habit that needs to be broken once and for all.  I have been avoiding cleaning up my desk.  I've sorted through a lot of clutter and been working on other areas, but I keep looking at my desk and groaning.  If I avoid sitting here, then I can put off cleaning it up.  But if I avoid sitting here I can't get my blog written, my photos sorted, my photo book on Snapfish completed.  So, no more!  Lord willing, after music practice tomorrow morning--which is scheduled for 10 AM, I will come home and clean up my desk.  I am now accountable to everyone that reads my blog.  My blog, which I will write in at least once a week, will let you know how well I'm doing at keeping my word.  (Man the pressure is on now!)

Close calls

I am tired this evening.  It's been a busy week.  It's been a week of ups and downs and a lot of thankfulness.  Tuesday morning at 6:00 I was heading into Clarkston to the Aquatic center to exercise as I do every Tuesday and almost every Friday morning.  Larry had left his truck parked down by the Church Sunday.  I was dropping him off so he could bring the truck home.  I backed up from our truck so that I could swing around him and continue on my journey.  He looked at me and at first I thought he was just waving, but then I saw fear in his eyes.  I thought he was afraid I was going to back into the truck behind and laughed and shook my head that no I wasn't going to hit the truck.  I'd checked for traffic and as I was starting to pull into  the highway he really looked upset.  I tried to put the car in reverse and back it up since he looked upset, but as usual when I get nervous I had trouble reacting quickly enough.  Just about that time a really big semi truck flew by my car.  It couldn't have been more than 3 inches between the front of my car and the bumper of that truck.  Apparently when I had looked for traffic coming up behind me the truck had been in my blind spot.  I had come very close to being hit by a semi moving about 50 miles an hour (Juliaetta town limits--supposed to be 35).  This really shook me up!  I was so thankful to be alright.  I say alright--I was shaking and sick to my stomach, but I was in one piece and very, very thankful.  God in His mercy allowed me another day.  I have been very thankful all week.  It's amazing what something like that can do to help a person have a change of heart and adopt a very thankful attitude in all things.  

We had a trip to Spokane to see the specialist I've been seeing at Spokane Rheumatology and I was told I needed to be very proud of myself.  I'd lost 9 more pounds since I had seen him last and my pain is being better controlled.  I'm having more good days than bad.  And I am VERY grateful.  God again is working in my life on my behalf.  It's been a long time since I've been able to have any control over pain and years since I've been able to lose more than a few pounds and turn around and put them back on.  My metabolism has been a mess.  A little side blessing to the trip is getting to see our three daughters on our way home.  

The rest of this week I've been going over and over my blessings.  Why have I been having such positive experiences?  Not every week is as eventful as this one has been, but every week IS full of opportunities to give God praise.  We don't always see the way He is working and protecting us during our every day lives.  I was given a glimpse this week of how  close I came to going home to be with Him.  Not everyone is rescued from the close call.  I have been having positive results in my health care.  Why God chooses to give me positive results or rescue some of us and take others home is beyond my comprehending.  All I do know for sure is that God is in control--whatever may come.  I'm so thankful that irregardless how our days and weeks go, He knows just what we need.